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Crime-n-Shame: 'Big' Time Arrest at the Grocery Store

This week in law and disorder, courtesy of the Southland's police blotter.

Two Things to Pump You Up: Is that a Monster energy drink in your pocket, Seamus, or are you just happy to see us? Seamus P. Scanlan, 21, of the 15600 block of New England Avenue in Oak Forest, was arrested and charged with retail theft Jan. 7 after he was caught leaving the store with two Monster energy drinks in his pants — and several packets of Extenze penis enlargement pills.

Living on Oatmeal and Abuse: 53-year-old on Jan. 4 that the man she lives with and pays rent to has called her "dirty names" for two years. The woman said she can't concentrate enough to get a job because the man calls her names. She also told police the man eats all the food in the house and she only gets oatmeal. On this occasion, the woman called police to tell them the man had thrown a notebook on the floor in her bedroom.

A Love Like No Other: A woman was preparing to sell her car to a man she met over the summer when he dropped his pants in an Oak Forest currency exchange and began fondling himself in September. Since then, the woman told police, he has been sending harassing text messages ever since and occasionally calls her while masturbating, police said.

Gun Safe, Sock Drawer — It’s All the Same: An called police on Jan. 4 after she found a handgun hidden in a sock in a dresser drawer in her house. The man who owned the firearm told police he forgot he owned it. He was reminded with an inventory receipt.

Maybe He’s a Critic: Charles Lundquist, 52, of Chicago Heights, was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct afterpolice discovered he had defecated on the floor and walls of the mens bathroom at the Chicago Heights Public Library.

The Name Fits: Asaia Rampage, 46, of Homewood, struck a man in the eye with a cell phone and then locked him out of his home, barricading the door with boxes. rammed open the back door on Dec. 29 and found Rampage hiding upstairs in a crawl space. Police said they found a crack pipe in her pocket.

— collected from this week's Patch police blotter

Kathie January 16, 2012 at 03:27 AM
Is this real or an episode of Reno 911?
Frankforter January 16, 2012 at 05:20 AM
Again. I don't know who writes the headlines but it's almost as of the Patch writers are in a competition to write the most clever. By the time I made it to "The Name Fits" I was in tears. Keep 'em coming.
Russ January 16, 2012 at 05:55 AM
truth is stranger than fiction and sometimes funnier,thanks Dennis
joshua January 17, 2012 at 01:46 AM
Two Things to Pump You Up: I wonder if this kid knows that these items need to be injested. Living on Oatmeal and Abuse: Oatmeal is good for your system. Ask the "critic". A Love Like No Other: OK. I can't help myself. Was he buying a Jag-u-are?, A Hummer? A Mini? A Willys (jeep), A Yu-go? Or A Toy-ota from the victim? Gun Safe, Sock Drawer — It’s All the Same: Wait a minute......Gun Sock? Not to be confused with a GUM Shoe. Maybe He’s a Critic: He must've been at the Library studying for a Stool test. The Name Fits: Police said they found a crack pipe in her pocket. Sounds like It had previously been in her mouth.

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